Hierarchy of Snot

2019-12-12T11:19:29-07:00September 2nd, 2019|Categories: Phoebus|

With over 7 billion people in the world, we produce over 7 billion liters of mucus a day. That’s 2555 billion liters a year. Enough to fill how many lakes of slime? At least now we know what happened to that primordial ooze we’re supposed to have emerged from. It’s slopping around inside all of us, the great earthling snot machine. But we don’t just manufacture it, no, we pick, roll, snort, sneeze, gob, wipe, lick and eat it. When we’re not playing with it or having sex with it, that is.

Snot is so plentiful and universally well-regarded that we’ve created a lexicon for it. I’m only giving a sampling here. And I should point out that in the hierarchy of snot, the higher up you go, the snottier you are because when you’re snot-free, you’re dead:

  • Snot box
    The instrument, otherwise known as the nose, used for all kinds of snottery, from snotshots to snotrockets to snot-balls and snot missiles and meteors.

  • Snotbear
    This is our fluffy snuggle bear that we wipe our nose on when we’re little snot nuggets, snot nosed kids or snotzies. Mostly. Because there are those of us who have snot for brains and use these bears as sex props.

  • Snotted
    Getting inebriated or pie-eyed not with snot or any by-product thereof, but from alcohol.

  • Snotting around
    Aimless loafing by snot-nosed people who wouldn’t be caught dead using a snotrag or grabber. No, they snot pocket to save the yummy bits for a real good picking as they drift together with other snot brains to play snot hockey. They score when the snot lands smack dab in their mouth. Real appetizing winners.

  • Snot monster
    Mustache or beard that collects snot candles and snotcicles. By the end of one of Hitler’s speeches, his snot monster must have had enough creepy crawly bacteria to wipe out whole battalions.

  • Snot bomber
    These mad bombers enjoy giving anyone within striking distance snotgun blasts by sneezing on you. And if they happen to miss you, they pick their nose and leave what they’ve mined where you’re sure to get slimed by it.

  • Snotblobalicious
    For those who just can’t get enough of their own snot. After all, it comes in several irresistibly scrumptious designer colors. These connoisseurs suck back the snot and let the nectar slide down their throat.

  • Snot channeling
    Another favorite delicacy of snot lovers. They cup their hands over their nose and mouth to channel the delicious slime into their mouth. Snot lovers aren’t hard to spot, they’re the ones happily picking snottleberries.

  • Snot-o-gram
    A carping memo oozing with snotitude.

  • Snot pocket and sausage
    Female and male toys used by snot packers and voyagers. Helps if you have a fetish for leaky snot buckets.

  • Snotware
    Couldn’t very well leave out nerds from the snotisserie crew. They create programs with add-ons about as useful as snot perps that can’t be removed.

  • Snot-ass
    Real snot blasters, these. They’re hoity-toity, supercilious, snotatious and snotchety. Even when they’re excavating their nose in secret, like they think they’re going to strike oil, they’re craving snot pies from their plastic surgeons. Those leather snotbooks they carry are a dead giveaway. We don’t call them snots for nothing. When it comes to snot, no one can lick ’em, because they don’t just have snot, they are snot.

  • Snot Army
    Those white corpuscle suicide bombers in your body fight to save your life from any invading force that tries to infect you. They amass at the front line as mucus and fight to the death for you. So where would we be without snot?

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